Howard's Cure
by joey the ripper
Summary: First Season, Howard finally gets rid of his unnatural mark on his chest, but it could come at a price. This IS a horror story and contains: Shirtless Howard, big bugs, and violence...


Disclaimer : i do not own The Mighty Boosh... it is the brainchild of Lord Barratt and Lady Fielding...

_A/n: this was my Halloween Boosh that I wrote for Live Journal._

BETA'd by Silver Falcon 24.... love her lots...

**_To Be Normal._**

Howard hung his head as he moved from shadow to shadow making his way to Naboo's Kiosk, looking around he cursed softy; he had to walk in the moonlight to get the rest of the way.

He took a deep breath and ran as fast as he could.

Howard knocked on the door to Naboo's shop, the door opened 'Naboo…'

'What do you want, Howard?' Naboo asked, not trying to hide his annoyance that Howard Moon the Freak of Nature was at his door at half twelve in the morning.

'Naboo, I need help!'

'That's obvious' Naboo said with a nod. 'You're creeping around the Zoo at night, that's very weird.'

'No it's not that, and for the record I'm sneaking around the zoo at night because that's the only time I'm not recognizable!'

'No one is as freakish as you, Howard. You stick out like an orange in a garden salad.'

'Naboo that's why I'm here; I need-' Howard looked around, 'you to fix _me_,' he said in a whisper.

'Fix you?' Naboo repeated raising an eyebrow.

'Fix this!' Howard gestured to his chest and Naboo's eyes went wide.

'I can't-'

'Naboo, you're a Shaman! Haven't you got something that will fix me?' Howard asked, dropping to his knees and looking up into the Tiny Shaman's eyes as pleadingly as he could.

'Oh alright, Howard… Just stand up' Naboo sighed.

Howard stood up, 'thank you, Naboo.'

'Ballbag.' Naboo muttered as he turned and went inside, Howard stepped in and shut the door.

----------

Fossil sipped his coffee out of his pocket cup and picked up the phone on his desk 'Hello, put me through to Dixon Bainbridge... thank you.'

There was a dial tone then a very sleepy and very plummy voice barked "Bainbridge."

Fossil smiled giddily. 'Hello my-Bainbridge!'

"Fossil do you have any idea how late it is?"

'Well you told me to tell you if something is going on.'

"What could be going on at half twelve in the morning?"

-----

'Right First things first… We're going to have to assess the damage,' Naboo said, turning to Howard.

'D-d-damage?' Howard stuttered, terror seizing control of his insides. 'What do you mean, Naboo?'

'Easy Howard…' Naboo said holding up a hand 'I meant you're… uh…' Naboo cleared his throat awkwardly and Howard flushed as he realized that Naboo was looking at his chest.

'Oh,' Howard said as he reached for the top button on his collar and tried not to notice Naboo crinkle his face in disgust as the buttons came undone and he took his shirt off exposing the horrific sight underneath.

Naboo took a deep breath, apparently steadying himself. 'Right... I guess we're going to have to call in the big guns.'

'What do you mean?' Howard asked, knowing that the words "big guns" was the prelude to something painful.

'You'll see Howard.' Naboo said with a mystical tone in his voice.

'Follow me.'

* * *

It was cold when Vince woke up, the keepers hut still alarmingly quiet; Howard's bed had gone missing a few days ago and he still couldn't adjust to its absence, Howard had fled into isolation somewhere in the zoo around the same time and all anyone knew was that his jobs were always done before any of them got up.

This was strange because half of the jobs had to be done in the middle of the day.

Shaking his head Vince got out from under his sheets and blinked, he had been only sleeping in his sleeping bag, he couldn't remember covering himself in sheets.

'Howard,' he smiled.

The room was freezing as Vince tried to untangle himself from the mound of sheets twisted in his sleeping bag. Howard must have bundled him up during the night because he knew he'd only gone to sleep with the sleeping bag. Shivering in the chill, he picked one up and threw it over his shoulders to keep himself warm. He noticed that it had a very Howard scent to it. Head swirling from the comfortingly masculine scent, he wondered over to the light-switch and clicked it on. He blinked; the place had been a mess when he'd gone to sleep and he pulled the blanket tighter around him shrouding himself in the scent of his missing friend.

'Howard,' he said again, knowing Howard was still looking after him although his daily presence was missing.

It was strange how much Vince was missing Howard now he wasn't around lurking in the corners. He'd never really had the time to notice before, but the past few days had seen him realising just how much Howard filled his day and made him Vince; with Howard missing, Vince was missing a piece of himself.

Vince Noir realised at that very moment, standing bundled up in his best friends blanket, that he could never find anything be it clothing, or accessory or even a girl - or indeed a guy - to replace Howard; Howard couldn't be replaced and Vince made his resolve that he'd find Howard and bring him back to his rightful place at his side... _after_ he had a cup of tea and a packet of crisps.

---------------

'Right, Bollo; make sure you've got it plugged in right.'

'Why exactly is Bollo here?' Howard asked.

'Because I can't do this alone.' Naboo said, 'it takes quite a lot of muscle to lug that thing around.' Naboo said.

'Isn't this a bit overkill, Naboo?' Howard asked as Bollo the two ton Gorilla adjusted the tightness of the straps that were keeping Howard's arms over his head, tied to the table by his hands and feet Howard had a clear view of the massive machine pointing directly at his chest.

'I could only get it in one size.' Naboo said as he adjusted the dials powering the machine.

'Do not worry, Howard, Naboo knows what he doing.' Bollo said patting Howard's arm comfortingly.

The gorilla lumbered over to Naboo's side and Howard heard Naboo say 'do you know what this button does, Bollo?' Bollo shook his head.

'Neither do I.'

This did little to calm Howard and he found himself missing Vince more now than he had in the past few weeks.

'Ready Howard?' Naboo asked.

Howard craned his neck over to look at him 'Of course I'm not, just do it.'

_I'm doing this for Vince, he needs me and I need to be normal,_ he reminded himself.

'Alright then,' Naboo said he put a pair of sunglasses on and nodded to Bollo who nodded, adjusting the dials and pressing a button.

'Not that one you berk!' Naboo snapped, but all too late because the machine hummed into life and then there was a fire of electricity flowing through Howard's body and he let out a howl of pain; it continued on moments after and then Howard felt something move against his chest as the electricity shot down the length of his limbs; he felt the impression of three tiny needle fine points and then another jolt of electricity sent Howard TJ Moon into a world of unconsciousness.

----------------

'What is it?' Bollo asked; staring as the creature removed the skin that had kept it safe for its entire life; standing for the first time ever it looked around and clicked its claws the moment it saw the shaman; _he's responsible for this machine_.

'Quick! Catch it Bollo!' Naboo shouted.

Bollo lunged at it with a glass jar and moving as fast as it could it dropped down off of the table and snapped at the Gorillas feet, _this is all Vince's fault!_

Anger rippled through its entire body making its tail curve, _I'm going to get him for this!_ It fumed as it scurried off, intent on getting even with "that electro freak". Just the mere thought of electro making it quiver. It had been the most painful experience of its life, though that wasn't that hard to achieve since Howard TJ Moon kept himself out of harms way... lost in thoughts it was quite startled when a shoe came down right in front of it; clicking in alarm it instinctively used the stinger nature had provided for it and brought it straight through the leather of the shoe, there was a yell of pain from above and then the foot slid backwards moments before the ground beneath it shook with the impact of the zookeepers body on the concrete, it climbed up the side of the corpse and set to work on feeding before the flesh was too cold.

------------------

Coming to with a startled gasp Howard sat up, 'What happened?' he asked.

'You alright Howard?' Naboo asked.

'Yes, why wouldn't I be?'

'Ah,' Naboo looked to Bollo and they shared an uneasy moment 'no reason.' Naboo said looking back to him.

'Am I normal?'

'Yeah, you are Howard.'

Joy coursed through Howard's body, but the grim look on the shamans face made Howard know something was up. 'What's wrong?'

'Well Howard…' Naboo said 'we managed to get it off of you but you see the machine seems to have woken it up-'

'What's it?' Howard asked genuinely confused.

'Something very nasty,' Naboo murmured, 'but the moment it detached from you it ran off, after something.

'After what?'

'That's just it; we don't know… it was attached to you, what were you thinking about?'

'Well I was thinking about getting rid of it…'

'And?' Naboo coached.

'Oh my god, Vince!' Howard jumped up and ran out of the room.

Bollo looked to Naboo 'I've got a bad feeling about this,' he said and Naboo nodded agreeing with him.

------------------

There was a knock on the door and Vince jumped, startled from his fitful doze, he stood up at the second knock.

'Who is it?'

There was no answer but there was another knock and this was just as good to him; Vince opened the door and jumped back in horror, tripping over and banging his head on the floor shattering reality into star filled dreams, unaware of something grabbing his ankle and dragging him out of the hut.

* * *

Running as fast as he could the moment Howard reached the hut he saw that the door was wide open and not a sign of Vince to be seen. Pacing around the hut his thoughts slipped out on his tongue, muttering as he walked. 'If I was this thing where would I have taken Vince?' All it took was a few more paces and Howard had a revelation.

'Wait a minute, this thing was a part of me, so it's going to be thinking like me...' Howard stopped pacing for a moment. 'Right' Howard said 'Think like me.' he commanded himself.

But like anyone who has ever tried this Howard found it impossible it is to force his brain to think like he usually did. Howard sighed as his mind remained blank of all thoughts and he searched around for something that would help, he spied half a packet of crisps and a cup of tea sitting on the table, and he started piecing together what had happened.

'Vince must've been sitting here when the thing came to the hut… and he must've opened the door to it thinking it was something else.' Howard nodded, that seemed about right given the evidence. 'And these marks must be where it dragged Vince out…'

Howard stepped out of the door and startled at the path drawn in the scattered leaves. 'It can't be that far ahead if it's dragging Vince.'

Howard started after the tracks on the ground.

* * *

Naboo and Bollo stood in Fossils office; Dixon Bainbridge sat in Fossils chair cleaning his rifle looking at Naboo 'so this thing detached itself from Howard and ran off to who knows where?' Bainbridge asked summarising what Naboo had just told him.

'Yes.' Naboo sighed in annoyance 'for the one millionth time.' he muttered Bollo grunted.

'Look Naboo-' Fossil started but Bainbridge held up his hand and cut across him.

'Fossil, why don't you be useful for a change and make a pot of coffee?'

'Sure thing, sugar dumpling.' Fossil said all too eager to oblige and headed out of the room.

Bainbridge pretended not to notice what Fossil had called him and looked back to Naboo.

'What does this thing look like?'

'That!' Bollo yelled pointing to one of the monitors and taking a big step back Bainbridge and Naboo looked to where Bollo was pointing; Bainbridge wrinkled his nose but was otherwise nonplussed by the sight of a scorpion devouring one of the zookeepers.

'That's at least the second person it's eaten in the past two hours.'

'Thing eats quickly,' Bainbridge scorned, 'it's quite large, are you sure that came from Moon?'

'It's grown considerably larger,' Naboo said, 'That's the only one in existence anyway, so it has to be.'

'Only one in existence?' Bainbridge muttered to himself watching as it finished eating the zookeeper and scurry off 'where's it going?' he asked.

'Dunno, but if anyone knows where it would go, it's Howard.'

'Moon?'

'Well it was a part of him.'

Bainbridge stood and left the room nearly knocking Fossil over as he passed him Fossil watched after him and looked to the pot of coffee in his hand he shrugged and poured some into his pocket cup.

* * *

'Moon what the hell is going on!' Howard looked around at Bainbridge.

'What do you mean?' _I haven't got time for this, Vince is in trouble!_

'You're roaming around the zoo at night and now this thing running rampant.'

'Thing?' Howard asked, _if he's seen it then maybe he knows where it's gone._

'Yes, the hideous thing that dragged Noir off.'

'Where'd it drag him to?'

'Who knows? That thing moves so damn quickly it could be halfway across Shoreditch by now.'

'No it's still here,' Howard said he looked around then looked back to Bainbridge.

'How'd you find me?'

'Look there, Moon,' Bainbridge sneered pointing to a security camera. 'Fossils been watching you all night.'

'He has?' Howard asked.

'Yes he has, he rang me up at half twelve telling me all about your "activities".'

'I've got to get to Fossil!' Howard said running off; Bainbridge following after him.

* * *

Fossil, Naboo and Bollo watched the two grown men running full pelt from camera to camera getting closer and closer.

'Coffee?' Fossil asked holding up a pot of coffee, Naboo and Bollo shook their heads.

'Oh well,' he said as he poured some more coffee into his pocket cup and looked back to the screen.

'Holy Shit Sauce!' he yelled lurching back so suddenly that he poured coffee over himself and instinctively the rest of the pot was flung everywhere else.

'OW!' he howled attempting to stop the coffee boiling through his clothing by brushing it off; which succeeded in making the coffee spread through the material much more quickly.

Naboo and Bollo wiped the coffee that had splashed on them off as Fossil sat back down and looked to the monitor

'What the hump was that?' he said leaning in to look at the monitor closer unaware of the zoom button on the remote control.

'That the thing that took Vince!' Bollo informed Fossil.

'Why'd it take him Moon?' Bainbridge's voice barked, all three in the office jumped and looked to the door as it flung open and Howard stepped in followed closely by Bainbridge.

'I don't know!' Howard snapped for what seemed to be the one millionth time. 'Where is it?' He snapped looking to Fossil.

Fossil instinctively looked to the monitor.

'In the jungle room.' Howard went around the side of the desk and came up beside him and Bainbridge appeared on the other side, both staring intently at the monitor.

'It's certainly grown a lot.' Howard looked to Fossil finally noticing that he was drenched in coffee 'Why're you covered in coffee?'

'Why aren't you wearing a shirt?' Fossil replied in a childish sneer.

This was news to Howard and he looked down at his bare chest and cleared his throat. 'So where'd it drag Vince?'

'Into the jungle room,' Fossil replied.

'Seems the ideal place for a bug,' Naboo said.

'Plenty of places to hide.' Howard said knowing that he liked the idea of it too.

'Isn't that where you've been sleeping, Moon?' Bainbridge said.

'... Yes?' Howard replied, the word hitching in his throat. 'It seems obvious now that that's where it would take him.'

'Why?' Fossil asked.

'No time to explain, I've got to go and rescue Vince!'

Howard made to walk past Bainbridge but the other man straightened and stepped in his way so they were only a few millimetres apart with Bainbridge's musky breath meeting Howard's own minty-fresh one in the tiny space between them.

'Get out of the way, Bainbridge!' he stuttered.

'Not until you tell us what the hell is going on, Moon!' Bainbridge barked back, the two glared at each other; paying no mind to Fossil who was craning his neck around to see what was going on behind his chair and not noticing the screen panning around to the sight of Vince lying on a camp bed.

'Listen Bainbridge we haven't got time for this, Vince is in trouble!'

'He's your wife, Moon; not mine! This is my zoo, however, and I demand to know what is going on!'

Howard didn't know what to argue about first, Vince being his wife, the zoo belonging to Bainbridge, or telling Bainbridge what was actually going on, he just stood lost for words breathing in the other mans musky breath; his small eyes darted to the screen and saw Vince his heart leapt into his throat and he straightened, gathering all of his strength together for what he had to do.

'I'll tell you later; meanwhile' Howard punched Bainbridge hard under the jaw sending the other man sprawling to the ground in a mixture of shock and pain.

'I've got to save Vince!' Howard took off out of the office heading to the jungle room.

* * *

Vince groaned and put a hand to his head.

'What happened?'

'_Don't speak.'_ Whispered a clicking voice that made the hair on the back of Vince's neck stand up.

'Howard?' he asked.

'_Not quite.'_ The voice said.

'What do you mean not quite?' Vince asked 'you either are Howard or your not.'

'_I was a part of him, but now we are separate… do you know why, Vince?'_

'No.'

'_Because of you!'_ the accusing tone in the voice made Vince shiver _'he demanded our separation, because of you! We were happy before you, Vince!'_

'Look I have no idea what you're talking about.' Vince sat up and looked around.

'_Look at me Vince, remember me?'_ a giant scorpion like creature the colour of skin crawled around the trunk of one of the trees and scurried right up to Vince, who stared in horror.

'What are you?'

'_Do you remember calling Howard a freak?'_

'Yeah I do, but that was because of that hideous thing on his chest-'

'_That was me!'_ the scorpion snapped and Vince opened his mouth in horror. _'He separated us because of you!'_

'Look mate.' Vince said, trying to keep calm. 'I had no idea Howard would do that… he never struck me as the kind of guy who'd have a surgery-'

'_He had the shaman separate us… and all because of you, he may deny it; but he only separated us because __you__ had a problem with __me__; you're the reason why I'm alone! I'm going to kill you!'_

'What, no!'

The scorpion scurried forwards but before it could reach him a shout from the door made the scorpion pause.

'Leave him!' Vince looked to Howard and letting out a quiet sigh of relief he couldn't help but notice how much more attractive Howard was without the horrible bulge in the middle of his chest.

'_Howard- '_ The way the scorpion said the word; the name... and the way it turned to Howard said to Vince that it was needed Howard the same way he needed him, to fill that space that was empty without him.

The scorpion relaxed lowering its stinger; watching it Vince wondered how no one had noticed it before, the whole boxing incident, he wondered how long it had been attached to him; Vince found himself trying to figure it all out, despite how dangerous the situation was, how could Howard have gotten this creature inside of him? He looked to Howard as the tall northerner started one of his speeches with his dark chocolate voice calm and empowering.

'If you should want to kill anyone; it's me... I was the one who went to Naboo, I was the one who decided to get you removed. A better man would have accepted the way he was, a better man would have payed no mind to what anyone said, but I'm **not** a better man, and for that reason alone; I'm the one you should kill.'

'_Oh cut the crap Howard! I've been you all your life, I know how you think, and you can't change my mind! I __**am**__ going to kill Vince!'_

'No!' both men cried out as the scorpion turned back to Vince and readied its stinger.

There was a loud gunshot and the ground below the scorpion seemed to explode and it scurried out of the clearing.

'Out of the way, Moon!' Bainbridge barked and pushed Howard aside with such force that he toppled over 'Where'd that parasite go?' Howard and Vince pointed in the direction it had run off in.

'What are you doing Bainbridge?' Vince asked as Bainbridge made to go after it.

'That specimen is one of a kind; you won't understand, Noir, but that has the potential to make me a lot of money.' and then Bainbridge was gone.

For a few long minutes Vince and Howard remained still, staring after Bainbridge, both listening to the man's shouts and the sound of his rifle getting fainter and fainter. By the time they couldn't hear a thing they slowly looked to each other.

'Lets-' Vince's voice dissolved in his throat and he remained staring into the small eyes of his long since absent friend.

'Get out of here?' Howard offered.

'Yeah,' Vince said with a nod.

'Good idea, Little Man.'

_Little man._ Vince inwardly sighed, content that he had Howard back.

'What a crazy night, eh?' Howard said as both he and Vince shut the door to the jungle room.

Vince smiled, _good old Howard._ 'Do you think they'll get out of there?'

'Nah.' Howard said dragging the bench in front of the door and locking it 'If the wolves can't get out then they can't either.'

Vince nodded. 'Thanks for coming to save me, Howard.'

'It's no problem Little Man,' Howard said, puffing his chest. 'It's what I do – I'm a Maverick, a master of the jungle. You know you're not the first I've saved, Vince. No sir!'

'Yeah,' Vince said with a small laugh 'though technically it was Bainbridge who saved me, not you, Howard.'

'I was mere seconds away from saving you.' Howard replied, affronted.

'Sure you were,' Vince said with a sarcastic nod, 'Let's get back to the hut; my head hurts.'

Howard's eyes narrowed, searching Vince's head for a sign of damage, Vince noticed and felt a small swell of happiness. 'I hit my head," he said with a shrug.

'The thing is Vince… how did it get you into the jungle room so easily without a single scratch?'

'Dunno.' Vince said 'I guess it was really delicate.'

'It dragged you through the zoo; you should be all cuts and scratches.'

'It's one of life's mysteries, Howard. We'll never know,' Vince grinned, the pair bickering their way towards the keepers hut and a few more hours sleep before their night shift officially ended.

* * *

A/n: *lovingly hugs her beta* Thank her for the best grammar in all my stories!!!!!


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